Dear Monday,

I'm writing to you this evening because there's something I've wanted to ask you for quite a few years now....why do you hate me so?! I admit that I've hesitated writing this letter to you because a part of me hoped that maybe I've been wrong...that somehow I have overreacted all these years. I realize now that I have NOT been wrong; there's been no overreacting on my part. I've been completely justified in my profound fear of you that begins building as early as Saturday morning! I've put up with your harassment...nay, terrorism long enough! It comes to an end TODAY!

You say you want examples??! Oh I've got loads of them:

• JUNE 30, 1980: I was minding my own business trying to stuff GI Joe into my favorite Tonka dump truck when YOU came along and made Joe's head pop right off of his shoulders! If that wasn't bad enough--Joe's head landed right in the passenger seat of my sister's Barbie convertible! I had to actually put my hand on girl stuff, which as every 10 year old boy knows means instant girl cooties!!

• MARCH 19, 1984: There I was....14 years old....do you even KNOW how many problems that a 14 year old guy has?! Zits, awkwardness, & being shot down by the girls (who by this time no longer had cooties)....I had enough on my mind without YOU breezing in and making me fall right on my face in the main hallway of my Jr High School!!
  

• AUGUST 20, 1990: Oh what a twisted sense of humor you have my dear Monday!! This was the day that you deliberately pushed me into signing a legal contract that obliged me to join the Navy!! But did you stop there? OH NO--you had to make me agree to do basic training at Great Lakes, Illinois! ME--in Yankeeland....in the winter!! (Basic started in March 1991)...How could you??!!

• NOVEMBER 20, 1995: Once again, you bitch slapped me when I wasn't paying attention. I'm sure you remember THIS day very clearly! It's the day that I went to visit my mom's grave at the cemetery--it was starting to get dark and you snuck over to my car and killed my battery! You left me to find some creepy looking caretaker to help me out!! Yeah..I bet you got a real kick out of leaving me stranded in a graveyard in the dark with a broken down car & a creepy caretaker!
  

I could go on and on, but in the interest of time and bandwidth, I'll stop there. Oh wait....ONE more example that I have.....

• JUNE 30, 2008 (TODAY!!): You *KNOW* that I'm going on vacation after tomorrow. Why couldn't you just leave me alone for ONE day??!! Your antics today caused me MUCH grief!! Because of YOU, I barely got ANY work done! All day long, it was answering smart ass emails from the guys I babysit.....then there were the phone calls from these same guys! Whine, bitch, moan...that's all I heard from them! And I *know* that was you that I heard chuckling in the background!!
  

I'm here to tell you now that I am no longer going to be the VICTIM!! From now on, when you try your wicked tricks on me, I will deflect them with my new invention: MONDAY-AWAY in the handy 16 oz aerosol spray can! One blast of that stuff hitting you right in the face will take care of YOU!!

FINALLY!! After all these years of enduring your outright ABUSE your evil dark magic will have NO effect on me! So you are hereby put on notice that I am no longer going to be your punching bag.....I want you OUT of my life---forever!! Leave your key to my week on the table and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Sincerely,

BryM