It's with a heavy heart that I announce my last post here on Blogstream. Ok, so my heart isn't heavy in the LITERAL sense...

After many different looks, title changes, failed spin-off attempts, and other issues over the last year and a half, I'm tired. I think that my creative side has fizzled out, and I'd like to finish this thing up before it really starts to show in my posts. Now, there are those who will say, "be yourself..", "don't worry about being creative...", etc. etc....but let's face it...no one wants to READ a boring blog any more than I want to WRITE a boring blog.

So, that's it. As I fade into blog oblivion, I those of you who took time to read my posts remember me fondly. I bid you...adieu.....

>>>>>>>>Ok, I was just kidding. I'm not really ending my blog permanently. I am taking a hiatus, but not a permanent one. I'm actually going to start on a project that I've been wanting to do for a very VERY long time..one that a lot of my friends AND my family have been encouraging me to do as well..I'm writing a BOOK! Yes..it's true. I figure I might as well do something constructive with my time off! I'll be checking in from time to time...hopefully with something worth reading!! Take care!

I guess there are a lot of things that I assume most people know: Don't socialize with people who are pushing a shopping cart filled with all of their worldly belongings while sporting the stench of three years worth of non bathing; Don't put your wet hands on an electrical outlet; and don't feed seagulls.

Clearly, I've assumed too much. Especially when it comes to my friend that I had lunch with this afternoon. As we sat in my truck eating various goodies from Chick-Fil-A, my friend decided that he would throw a piece of chicken to the one lone seagull that was walking around in the parking lot. As he flung the small piece of chicken out the window, I warned him that there would be other seagulls circling us within seconds. He scoffed at the idea, pointing out that there were no other birds in sight.

Twenty minutes later, my truck was surrounded by screaming seagulls, demanding more food. Bits of bread didn't satisfy them. People driving by were horrified, apparently from flashbacks to Alfred Hichcock's 1961 thriller, The Birds! I could do nothing but sink into my seat from the embarrassment I was being subjected to. As the flock intensified, I reminded my friend that at some point, he was going to have to get out of the truck and go back into work, which would mean fighting his way through the birds. He just laughed, but he quickly found out how serious the situation was when he lit his cigarette and then held his hand out the window. A seagull flew up from the crown and attempted to grab the lit cigarette from his hand! I don't know who screamed louder..my friend or the bird!

It was at that point that I hurriedly started my truck and started to make my way through the jungle of birds..luckily they got out of my way. I then dropped my friend back off at work with the threat of death if he ever did anything like that again!

Once I got home, I found that the birds had left me several messages of disdain over the lack of food supplied to them during my friend's lunch hour...great globs of bird poo everywhere.

While I was cleaning my bathroom today, I got some rather disturbing news. According to the scrubbing bubbles who were hard at work on my tub, the Tidy Bowl man has died. Apparently, he'd been carrying on a 10 year affair with Aunt Jemima and their last secret rendezvous resulted in him having a heart attack and dying in her arms.

Of course, being one not to believe in idle gossip, I immediately headed to the kitchen to find out for myself if this accusation was true. Aunt Jemima wasn't willing to say much..probably because her husband of 38 years, Uncle Ben, was nearby. Undaunted, I spoke to the Quaker Oats man, who informed me that he had heard the same rumor. That still wasn't good enough..I had to have concrete proof. I was just about to close the pantry door when I heard a very soft, but distinct, "Hey you!"....it was Chef Boyardee! He told me that one night a few weeks ago, he'd overheard Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima having a rather heated argument...only it wasn't about HER taking a lover...apparently the little tramp from Chicken of the Sea had been making romantic overtures for quite some time towards Uncle Ben, and it had been reported by the Ramen noodles that the couple were spotted by the laundry detergent having a rather intimate meal. One can not always trust the word of laundry detergent however.

As I made my way to the refrigerator, I heard gunshots. I quickly opened the door to discover that the Duke's mayonnaise had gone bad and was holding all 12 eggs hostage. I was in shock when I looked on the next shelf down and found that the beets had been killed...gangland style! It was a sight that would turn even the strongest stomach! I quickly shut the door just as the Miracle Whip challenged the French dresing to a duel.

The freezer residents were no help at all. They just sat there and shivered as I questioned them. Captain Gorton seemed to be the only one who was willing to share any pertinent information, but knowing about his tryst with Molly McButter last year, I didn't really want to hear his take on things! It was as he was babbling on (as he normally does!) that the pie crusts very rudely told the Captain to shut his pie hole!

By this point, I was so frustrated that I just gave up my quest for the truth. Against Mr Clean's pleas, I purchased another toilet/tank cleaner. I'm hoping that this one will last longer...but with household products, you can never tell!

While out running errands today, I decided to stop at a local convenience store that advertised selling "fresh" Krispy Kreme doughnuts..thus began a series of events that shall have me hold up in my house until I'm 80.

Once I returned home from the store, I opened the box of 'fresh' doughnuts that I'd purchased..chocolate iced creme filled. The first thing that I noticed was that my doughnut was not 'fresh' as the store had advertised. Of course, I began to eat it anyway because I was hungry and I had thought about that stupid doughnut all the way home!

While I was eating my doughnut, the doorbell rings..it's the mailman delivering a package that wouldn't fit into the mailbox. When I opened the door to accept the package, he gave me a rather weird look and hurriedly got back to his car and left. Since my mailman looks like he's just been released from the Betty Ford Center, I really didn't think that much of it and went back to eating my doughnut.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. It's my neighbor from next door. She hasn't lived in the neighborhood very long and I've not really spoken to her much, so I was a bit puzzled when SHE gave me a rather strange look while briefly talking to me, and then made a hasty exit back to her own house.

Now, a strung out mailman giving you a weird look is one thing because you can always just attribute it to an acid flashback. However, getting TWO strange looks in the matter of a few minutes brings one to the conclusion that there is a rather large and rotund booger hanging from your nose. Having made this assumption, I hurried to the mirror to confirm my suspicions. I was a bit alarmed and even a bit bewildered when I found nothing..not even one of those hairs that somehow manages to elude detection while reaching a length of 8 inches!

It was as I went back into the living room and sat down that the mystery was solved. My dog Sammy leaped into my lap and began to lick furiously...

Apparently, while eating my less than fresh creme filled doughnut, some of the filling had extracted itself onto the crotch area of my jeans and had been there while talking to both of the visitors that I'd had.

I suppose living out the rest of my days in seclusion won't be so bad. Perhaps after the first 15 years, I'll venture out onto the back deck to hear the birds chirping...

Ok, so I'm not married, thus making me a non-husband. I am however, desperate. Well, ok maybe not so desperate as I am lacking in anything meaningful to do lately. The most excitement that I've had in my life this past week was the "snow event" that we had here in Central North Carolina last week. Even that fizzled after just a few hours, not surprisingly.

I was informed today that it is time for a new post. Actually, I do agree, as I too am tired of re-reading the same post from a week ago. So, for today's entry, I shall update the public on the happenings with the soaps. Of course, I do not guarantee the validity of these updates, as I am known for my own personal spins on certain subjects:

>>All My Children: The serial killer has struck again! This time it was Dixie, who had just returned from the dead last year. You know, it just has to suck to come back to town after everyone thinks you've been dead for five years, only to be killed by a batch of poisoned peanut butter and banana pancakes! At least Dixie got to travel around town after her death (well, her ghost did anyway) to say goodbye to her family and friends. Oh, and to let the audience know who her long lost daughter is.

>>One Life to Live: The evil Dr. Truman has been murdered! Who did it?? Naturally, it wasn't the person found over his bloody body holding the murder weapon (a pair of scissors), and of course it wasn't the person that Rex (the guy with the scissors) said he's protecting (Michael, who's really Al's spirit in Michael's body)..so I'll just have to stay tuned in to find out that it was actually Blair, who was under heavy sedation.

>>General Hospital: Most of the major characters are being held hostage by machine gun wielding maniacs who are after a briefcase that is going to explode in 10 hours. Naturally, the maniacs shoot a major character, only to let other characters (all of whom just HAPPEN to be surgeons) operate on her. Why shoot someone with the intent of killing them if you're just going to let her be operated on? Hmm...sounds like contract re-negotiation time to me!

>>The Young and the Restless: It seems that evil Shelia Carter is back in town. This time though she's had plastic surgery to make herself look like Phyllis, who is Lauren's best friend. Sheila is a lesbian who is into bondage. Every time that Sheila (who, by the way, has perished numerous times over the years) comes back into town, we eventually see Lauren (as well as other women on the show) bound and gagged in a closet with their children in jeopardy of being stolen and raised by the maniacal Sheila. Of course, in the end, Sheila is always killed..or IS she??

>>Days of Our Lives: I don't ever watch this show, so I'd suggest a copy of Soap Opera Digest if you want to know what you've missed!

>>Passions: See above.

>>The Bold and the Beautiful: See above.

>>Any other daytime soap not listed: See above.

Well, that's it for my update on the soaps. I think it's safe to say that this will be my one and only post regarding the soaps. Unless of course, I can come up with a post in which I create a soap based on characters that I know personally. Hmmmmm...now THERE'S an idea!!