June inspired the first part of tonight's post.....she left a comment on my entry from last night telling how she and a friend had played a joke on a teacher. Her friend was suspected, but she was not! Pretty cool huh? That prompted some memories from my past that I'd like to share:

---> When I was in the 8th grade, I was infatuated with a girl named Kathy. As far as I was concerned, Kathy was the bee's knees and then some!! Unfortunately, Kathy was quite a mouthy young lady and after telling her Science teacher to do something that only porn star Ron Jeremy has been able to do, she was assigned to "In School Suspension" for TEN days!! Folks, to a 14 year old boy in love ten MINUTES is an eternity...so you can IMAGINE the dire straits I was in over ten DAYS!!                                                                         

   Since 98% of my thinking done in those days was by Spike [y'all figure that one out on your own!], I decided that I *MUST* concoct a plan that would land ME into "ISS" so that I could be near my sweet Kathy. The only problem was that I'd never gotten into trouble at school, so I didn't have a CLUE what havoc I could cause to get into trouble. So this dude in the 9th grade (I went to a Jr High) tells me, "get caught smoking a cigarette--that'll land you in ISS for sure!" Long story short, I walked DOWN THE MAIN HALLWAY smoking this thing [by the way, I didn't smoke at this time!] .....I got a LOT of horrified, shocked looks from my classmates, but not ONE SINGLE teacher or administrater was around!! DAMN!! So I finally give up and walk outside where I put the cigarette out. THREE HOURS later, word had circulated what I'd done...I get called out into the hall by my teacher. He couldn't even smell it on me anymore! DOH!! So what happened? I didn't get ISS, but rather I got "sent home" for 3 days with NO mark on my record because I was such a "nice boy".

---> The next year [at the same school even] my parents separated. I apparently fell and hit my head because for some reason I decided to live with my father, who'd moved out of my school district. Since I knew my mom wouldn't voluntarily let me live with my dad, I got the transfer papers and forged my dad's name on them, effectively withdrawing me from school. By the end of the day, I'd been busted..sort of. There was a "question" about the signature...but there again, I dodged penalty because I was such a "nice boy"! GAAAAHHHHHH!!

---> Senior year, my best friend and I decided to skip half a day of school, so we head out to his car to leave. Someone had blocked him in, so rather than just giving up on the idea of leaving, this friend simply smashes up three cars to get us out of the parking spot!! There were several witnesses that saw the whole thing [including me in the passenger seat], but there again.....I didn't get into trouble!! Because....all together now...I was such a "nice boy".......                                      



I suppose it COULD have been worse....I could have been one of those that got into trouble ALL the time!!

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IN OTHER NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF BRY-M:

---> So far there's been only one complaint about the huge crates sent out blindly to all these hospitals in the country. You would know it would be one of the places in MY area! Anyway, the head honcho of this place sends a scathing email to the head of MY office.....but get this----he says that they should have checked with ME before making a decision like that because I'm the only one with the know-how of their protocol for things like this!!     I was thrilled that for once, I wasn't being accused of the wrong-doing!!

---> Get prepared---next Monday is Memorial Day and you KNOW what that means!! Yep, the Blogstream Memorial Day party!! Since I'll have plenty of time to write it, I'm hoping it'll be the best party yet!! I'm still undecided about WHO will be hosting this event....HeatherScot has banned us all from HER house after the last party, and Bella doesn't want a bunch of people marching across the brand new pink shag carpet in her Manhattan apartment! Whomever hosts this catastrophe (er, party) is in for certain mayhem, distruction, and SOMEONE going head first into the pool!!                                                              

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That's all for now...at least for here. I'll be heading over to my "SIDE B" for another entry, although it's kind of a sad one.

I swear, I'm going to make a template with my bitching and just re-post it every other night!
Yes. Work was a big ol' pile of poo today.

--> First up was the bonehead field manager. Have you ever had to deal with someone so stupid that you get a headache just THINKING about communicating with them? I think he gets up every morning and tries to think of ways that he can out-stupid the stuff he did yesterday! The sad thing is, he usually DOES! This morning he sends me an email with some not so vague threats about having me "removed" from my position. Oh if ONLY he had that kind of pull!! I might actually LIKE him!!                                                             

  

--> Here's the latest on the snake situation. It turns out, according to management, that this was a rumor started by the security guard on duty this weekend. The "snake" was reported by this guard, who upon reporting it said, "I'm getting my ass out of here!" and then left. So now management has decided that we should all forget there was ever any mention of a snake and go on about our business. Would anyone care to take a guess at how many of us in the building BELIEVED that story? If you guessed 0, you'd be...WRONG. Remember, there are always going to be the brown nosers who will convince themselves that there was never any mention of a snake...simply because management said so.


---> Starting tomorrow, there are going to be some PISSED OFF people at hospitals around the country. This is TOO funny: there's a specific software/hardware upgrade that has to be done to several hundred machines all around the country. These upgrades require quite a bit of equipment to be replaced, so all the equipment is shipped to the hospital in these large crates (2 crates for every affected machine) that weigh at least 100lbs each. This afternoon, those who do my job function were instructed to "blind ship" these crates to all the hospitals affected by the upgrade...WITHOUT contacting the hospitals directly to not only get PERMISSION to ship these things, but to find out exactly WHERE to ship them, such as the receiving area or where ever large items are received! Now you all think carefully about the answers to these questions:

• What do people normally do when they receive a package that they know NOTHING about?
  

• If a courier driver sees the instructions: 'deliver to __________department' and said department is on the 10th floor of a busy hospital, where do you think he/she is going to drop that delivery?
  

• What will the factory who shipped these things out do when they receive a couple hundred of these mondo-huge crates back all at once?
  

Here's the answers to the popquiz:

1) They SEND IT BACK!

2) He'll drop it right in the middle of the floor in the department while shocked hospital personnel look on in horror! TRUST ME on this.....I've seen it happen!!

3) They will want to know what IDIOT ordered these crates to be blind shipped, and then they'll report it to the REALLY high up management, who will in turn rake everyone in our division over the coals!!

Yes. I will be LAUGHING MY ASS OFF when this catastrophe begins to unfold!                            

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Now for a change of topic:

---> I learned this evening that Cindy still has Kevin in the house. I guess that I wouldn't say I was "shocked", but it kind of caught me off guard because she'd told me that she was going to spread his ashes either in the ocean or in the sound near their beach house. I'm guessing she just hasn't had the will to do it as of  yet....I think she sees it as REALLY saying goodbye to him. I can relate...it's been hard on all of us that knew and cared about Kevin to accept that he's VERY much gone.

That's about it for now! Friday is now officially ONE day closer!! If I can get through THIS week and two days of next week, I'll be SOOOO happy!! It's vacation time!

It was an interesting Monday to say the least.

--> There's a snake on the loose in my office building! I was greeted by all of the hens who sit around me clucking up a storm about the news---apparently someone spotted the serpent on Saturday afternoon and mass panic ensued. "Critter Catchers" was summoned, but they found nothing.
To the management of the building, this meant that the creature slithered out the door and back into the woods to be with his (or her) family. I believe there was an email to that effect as well. Of course, to the EMPLOYEES, this meant that the facility hired to find the snake just couldn't find it and now everyone is terrified to put their feet under their desk! This of course afforded me the perfect opportunity to add to the mayhem by speculating that maybe the reason that the snake wasn't found is because he (or she) managed to get into the CEILING!! Imagine a 3 story office building filled with people who not only won't put their feet under their desks, but ALSO keep looking towards the ceiling every 5 seconds, and REFUSING to walk underneath the air vents!!

Yes, I had LOADS of fun with my little interjection of fear into my colleagues today!


---> Those of you out there who do not yet have a "MySpace" page need to get one. There's this new thing on there where you can "buy" the people on your friends list! This of course means that you have the ability to change their "status", which are little quotes or quips that seem to suit the person. It's almost as entertaining as scaring the shit out of all of your co-workers when a snake is running amuck!

Although I do have to admit that perhaps it was in poor taste for me to buy my brother and put "I'm missing all my boy-parts" as his status because he paid me back by buying ME and changing MY status to "I love to fart in public places". 


---> This is a frightening thought, but my friend Sara has as twisted a sense of humor as I do. For fun, she makes up fake ads for the personals section on "Craigslist".  She sent me her latest entry to see if I thought it would attract any responses....."400lb married bisexual transvestite guy looking for other sissy boys who like to wear black girdles and pink high heels while delivering their manseed into a Mason jar for use later." I told her that maybe (just MAYBE) it was a bit over the top, even for her. She got 20 responses in 2 hours! This of course led her to post the following in the 'lesbian' section: "Single white female looking for dream guy. Must have all the same equipment as I do, but without it being obvious to the outside world. Are YOU my lumberJane?" Ironically, she didn't get any responses to that one! So, I'm going to assume that there are many more fat guys who wear girdles and pink high heels willing to do nasty things to a Mason jar than there are lesbian lumberjacks......at least in THIS area anyway!

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There. You all have laughed. You've been repulsed. You've laughed until you cried.

My work here is done.

For now!

    Since my entries about my mom are usually about her illness & eventual death or other not-so-pleasant aspects of her time here, I thought this year I'd do something a little different to honor her on Mother's Day by just talking about some of the 'ordinary things' about her:

---> She was 5'5" tall...which made her the second tallest person in my immediate family! My father was only 5'4", my sister is 5'0", and my brother is 5'4". That leaves me as the tallest at 5'8" 

---> My mother grew up in Kenosha, Wisconsin---so when she married my father (who was from here in North Carolina) she had quite a culture shock when she moved here. She always said that people in the South sound like they're talking with a mouth full of marbles!

---> Mom's family was the first on the block to get a color tv set!

---> She was probably the WORST driver that I've ever had the misfortune to ride with! She once told me that the key to being a safe driver is to keep the hood ornament of the car in the middle of the yellow line on the road. For the record, that puts the car itself in the middle of the road!

---> Though she claimed to HATE watching tv, my mom NEVER missed an episode of All My Children, One Life to Live, or General Hospital!

---> When I was 8 years old, my mother taught me how to do "The Jerk", which was a popular dance back in the 1960s. I don't know which is worse...the fact that she taught me that dance or the fact that I can still remember how to do it!!

---> As she got older, mom had no shame. She'd be sitting in a chair talking to someone, lift up her leg, and let one RIP!! She'd then continue the conversation as though nothing had happened!

---> My mom was as afriad of spiders as I am--when I was a little kid, I watched her chase a "jumping spider" all over the house with a folded up newspaper trying to kill it. I suspect that it wasn't the paper that killed the arachnid but rather a heart attack from the crazy woman chasing him with a folded newspaper!!

I learned something today.

Those that continually have their hair colored from brown to blonde will eventually take on the traits of a REAL blonde!! I know without a doubt that this is true because I saw it demonstrated to me this afternoon when I went to my sister's house to hook up her new computer.

I unpacked all of the components and started getting everything hooked up, but when I started to plug everything in, I noticed that I was going to be short an outlet on her surge protector so I asked her to unplug something from the stip so that I could plug in the monitor. She gives me this look of bewilderment and asks, "the monitor has to be plugged in?" Then it was MY turn to be confused. I replied, "Um, yeah....what do you think it runs on---MAGIC?"
Yes, my sister thought that the monitor was powered by the tower somehow. I'm guessing that it's a REALLY good thing for her that my brother and I are fairly smart when it comes to electronics, even if knowing that a monitor runs on electricity is something that a blind & retarded monkey would know!

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THANKFULLY, my cousin had a blinding sense of decency this morning and has ended things with the mistress! Whether or not his marriage is going to survive is yet to be seen, but I'll keep my fingers crossed that it will all work out. Even though it didn't go on for long, there were several people who suffered as a result of this affair: the cousin, his wife, their two kids, me, AND the mistress herself! Believe it or not, she really IS a nice person if a bit misguided.  

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I did something today that I was quite proud of: I was proactive for a change. Those who remember my posts from last summer will recall that I had quite the battle with Christine the Truck and her attempts to melt me by having the air conditioning conk out every couple of days. I finally just broke down and bought a brand new a/c compressor and spent the rest of the summer in comfort. Well as luck would have it, at the end of the 'hot' season, I started losing the charge of R134a. I wasn't too concerned because I knew I wasn't going to need a/c until THIS summer.

So today I went to my local Wally World & bought a leak sealer AND a couple of cans of R134a so that THIS summer's entries HOPEFULLY won't be filled with rants about sweating my ass off!!

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That's it for now--HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!