While out running errands today, I decided to stop at a local convenience store that advertised selling "fresh" Krispy Kreme doughnuts..thus began a series of events that shall have me hold up in my house until I'm 80.

Once I returned home from the store, I opened the box of 'fresh' doughnuts that I'd purchased..chocolate iced creme filled. The first thing that I noticed was that my doughnut was not 'fresh' as the store had advertised. Of course, I began to eat it anyway because I was hungry and I had thought about that stupid doughnut all the way home!

While I was eating my doughnut, the doorbell rings..it's the mailman delivering a package that wouldn't fit into the mailbox. When I opened the door to accept the package, he gave me a rather weird look and hurriedly got back to his car and left. Since my mailman looks like he's just been released from the Betty Ford Center, I really didn't think that much of it and went back to eating my doughnut.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. It's my neighbor from next door. She hasn't lived in the neighborhood very long and I've not really spoken to her much, so I was a bit puzzled when SHE gave me a rather strange look while briefly talking to me, and then made a hasty exit back to her own house.

Now, a strung out mailman giving you a weird look is one thing because you can always just attribute it to an acid flashback. However, getting TWO strange looks in the matter of a few minutes brings one to the conclusion that there is a rather large and rotund booger hanging from your nose. Having made this assumption, I hurried to the mirror to confirm my suspicions. I was a bit alarmed and even a bit bewildered when I found nothing..not even one of those hairs that somehow manages to elude detection while reaching a length of 8 inches!

It was as I went back into the living room and sat down that the mystery was solved. My dog Sammy leaped into my lap and began to lick furiously...

Apparently, while eating my less than fresh creme filled doughnut, some of the filling had extracted itself onto the crotch area of my jeans and had been there while talking to both of the visitors that I'd had.

I suppose living out the rest of my days in seclusion won't be so bad. Perhaps after the first 15 years, I'll venture out onto the back deck to hear the birds chirping...

Ok, so I'm not married, thus making me a non-husband. I am however, desperate. Well, ok maybe not so desperate as I am lacking in anything meaningful to do lately. The most excitement that I've had in my life this past week was the "snow event" that we had here in Central North Carolina last week. Even that fizzled after just a few hours, not surprisingly.

I was informed today that it is time for a new post. Actually, I do agree, as I too am tired of re-reading the same post from a week ago. So, for today's entry, I shall update the public on the happenings with the soaps. Of course, I do not guarantee the validity of these updates, as I am known for my own personal spins on certain subjects:

>>All My Children: The serial killer has struck again! This time it was Dixie, who had just returned from the dead last year. You know, it just has to suck to come back to town after everyone thinks you've been dead for five years, only to be killed by a batch of poisoned peanut butter and banana pancakes! At least Dixie got to travel around town after her death (well, her ghost did anyway) to say goodbye to her family and friends. Oh, and to let the audience know who her long lost daughter is.

>>One Life to Live: The evil Dr. Truman has been murdered! Who did it?? Naturally, it wasn't the person found over his bloody body holding the murder weapon (a pair of scissors), and of course it wasn't the person that Rex (the guy with the scissors) said he's protecting (Michael, who's really Al's spirit in Michael's body)..so I'll just have to stay tuned in to find out that it was actually Blair, who was under heavy sedation.

>>General Hospital: Most of the major characters are being held hostage by machine gun wielding maniacs who are after a briefcase that is going to explode in 10 hours. Naturally, the maniacs shoot a major character, only to let other characters (all of whom just HAPPEN to be surgeons) operate on her. Why shoot someone with the intent of killing them if you're just going to let her be operated on? Hmm...sounds like contract re-negotiation time to me!

>>The Young and the Restless: It seems that evil Shelia Carter is back in town. This time though she's had plastic surgery to make herself look like Phyllis, who is Lauren's best friend. Sheila is a lesbian who is into bondage. Every time that Sheila (who, by the way, has perished numerous times over the years) comes back into town, we eventually see Lauren (as well as other women on the show) bound and gagged in a closet with their children in jeopardy of being stolen and raised by the maniacal Sheila. Of course, in the end, Sheila is always killed..or IS she??

>>Days of Our Lives: I don't ever watch this show, so I'd suggest a copy of Soap Opera Digest if you want to know what you've missed!

>>Passions: See above.

>>The Bold and the Beautiful: See above.

>>Any other daytime soap not listed: See above.

Well, that's it for my update on the soaps. I think it's safe to say that this will be my one and only post regarding the soaps. Unless of course, I can come up with a post in which I create a soap based on characters that I know personally. Hmmmmm...now THERE'S an idea!!

I've come to the conclusion that North Carolina has the following seasons:

Winterlite: this season begins in mid December. The temperatures will fall well below the freezing mark, except when there is the slightest possibility of precipitation. In the event that there is precipitation headed this way, the temperatures will immediately rise to well above the freezing mark. In the off chance that any frozen precipitation DOES happen to make it to the ground, rain will immediately wash it all away within half an hour.

Springshort: the shortest of all seasons in North Carolina. It runs from mid-day April 22nd to early morning April 23rd. During this time, all trees will get their green leaves & all flowers will bloom. Of course at the same time, any living thing that produces allergy symptoms will spread their plague over the land. Though springshort is over as quickly as it begins, the allergies linger through the next season:

Summerhell: Beginning at nine o'clock on the morning of April 23rd and ending late November, this is North Carolina's longest season. The temperature immediately rises from a comfortable 70 degrees to an unbearable 98 degrees with humidity levels in the upper 80s. Grass immediately turns brown, the beautiful flowers burst into flames, and leaves on the trees wither and die. This season is especially dangerous to the average North Carolinian because it is the season that trailer park dwelling females don tube tops and sweaty pony tails.

Fallingleaves: Named for the most significant event of the season, this is the second shortest. Beginning in late November and lasting until Winterlite, this is the season when the leaves fall off all trees in the state..at the same time. Trees that normally do not have leaves will produce dead ones that will immediately fall to the ground. Halloween used to be celebrated during this season until some yuppies in the city of Cary, NC decided that it wasn't within the guidelines of all subdivisions located within their city limits and therefore was not appropriate for anyone in the state.

I'm quite sure that there are those who may ask, "Why don't you move to another state?" Well, the answer to that question is because since I live in North Carolina, I can not afford to move. Taxes in this state are set up to prevent one from ever leaving the state on a permanent basis. But that's another bitch, er, I mean post for later!

I just finished watching the weather forecast...there is a 'chance' that we here in the Central North Carolina area 'may' or 'may not' get some snow, sleet, or freezing rain in the morning on Thursday of this week. The 5pm, 5:30pm, and 6pm weathercasts all said the same thing on every channel in the area..."we may or may not see snow, sleet, or freezing rain...we just don't know at this point."

Now, for those of you who may not know this, meterologists make a hell of a lot of money. Usually, they have access to weather forecasting equipment that costs television stations (or radio stations, or websites, whatever...) millions of dollars to buy and maintain. Yet, with all of this advanced technology at their fingertips, the weather geeks STILL can't make a good guess at what the weather is going to be like in 36 hours!

So, I now want to be a meterologist. It's a win win deal for whatever media outlet would hire me to forecast the weather. On the one hand, I would be making some really good money at what I do. For the outlet that hired me, it would be an extremely good move because they could simply do away with all of the Doppler radar crap and save a ton of money. All they would have to do is give me a computer with high speed internet access...I would simply go to weather.com or accuweather.com, look at the maps, and take a guess. I could then pass along this information to the public. If the maps looked a little "iffy", I could simply tell folks...."look, it might snow...the best way to know for sure is to get up and look out the window. If you see white stuff falling out of the sky, call in to work and then go back to bed. If you see rain...oh what the hell...call in to work anyway and go back to bed."

Seriously...I think I'd be good at it! I certainly couldn't be any worse than these knuckleheads who take 15 minutes to say essentially the same thing!

Have you ever noticed that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe? It’s true:

1. A child’s (over) eagerness to help in any project you’re involved in varies in inverse proportion to his/her ability to actually do the work involved!
2. Leftovers always expand to fill ALL available containers in the refrigerator…plus one!
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of one that is not clean!
4. The availability of a pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed!
5. The same clutter that will fill a one car garage will also fill a two car garage. This rule also applies to your home.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. The equivalent of one glass of soda left in the bottle plus two adults equals a divorce.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of tv remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. What goes up, must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.

Here’s something else to remember…the difference between constructive and destructive criticism is pretty simple…the former is what you give, while the latter is what you get.

This is a cute little quip I read recently: A group of children were on a field trip to visit a replica of one of Christopher Columbus’s ships. The tour guide asked the children, “does anyone know the name of all three ships?” One very excited little girl raised her hand and replied, “the Nina, the Pinta, and the Pina Colada….”

Well that’s it for my daily dose of wisdom