GADZOOKS!! It's been one hot day here in Central North Carolina today!!

As is always the case when the mercury shoots through the top of the thermometer around these parts, I had to deal with the "DECK BUZZARDS" at work. They're the folks who will literally circle the lower level of the parking deck waiting for someone to pull out of their parking space so that they can snatch it up! Heaven forbid the Beemer gets a little toasty after sitting in the sun for a few hours! Now don't get me wrong...I have nothing against those folks who'd rather not burst into flames when they get into their car, but the people at my work are carrying it WAY too far! Today while at lunch I was sitting in Christine the Truck minding my own business when I see the usual line of deck buzzards circling the lower level....well this one car circles a few times and then stops behind me. Out steps this very irritated looking woman who comes up to my window and asks me, "um, are you going to be leaving anytime soon? I'd like to park here." When I told her "no, I'm just eating my lunch", she comes back with, "well it's pretty inconsiderate of you to sit here and give people the impression that you're getting ready to leave when you're not!"

Did I let her get away with that? All together now......"HELL NO!!!"

I looked at her and said, "No. What's inconsiderate is for you to circle around the parking deck waiting for someone to leave so that you can almost crash into them to get their spot, and even MORE inconsiderate is when you've got the balls to get out of your car and tell someone else they're being inconsiderate because you don't have common sense enough to crack a window if you have to park somewhere besides the lower level."   So she gets back into her car and squeals tires out of the lower level. Yeah she showed ME, huh?! I'll tell ya what...after having suffered through a good chunk of last summer sweating my ass off when the a/c was out on my truck, I have a VERY hard time showing any sympathy to someone who only wants to good spots so that they don't have to crack a window or run the a/c for a couple of minutes before they take off! And no, security is not an issue where I work...we've got cameras at literally every corner of the parking lot with a guard monitoring them 24/7...

---

Now if the parking lot ordeal wasn't enough....about halfway through the day, the a/c in my office building starts going out!! Thankfully everyone on my floor has a fan at their desk for such emergencies, so it wasn't completely unbearable....I just hope we don't have a repeat of last year....we went several days with the a/c going kaput!!

---

I'm about to embark on a project that's a bit different for me. A friend of mine has convinced me to submit a piece of work that could be published in print!! Here's the catch though....the material of the work has to be about something I've never even once considered....vampires!

  It isn't that I don't think I *CAN* do it, it's just that I'm going to have to put on my hat with the lightning bolts on the sides so that I can get some inspiration zapped into my brain to write about something I've never written about!! Y'all wish me luck on this one!!

---

Ok so it's about time for me to hit the bed! Tomorrow is FINALLY......FRIDAY!!!

I'm not paranoid. I'm convinced that the people I work with are trying to drive me crazy, but make it appear as though I drove MYSELF crazy! Their diabolical plot won't succeed though because they've underestimated me! Yes! You see, I come from a long line of crazy people and I know how to turn the tables on these sinister fiends! By the time that I'm done with them, they'll be the ones in the straightjackets languishing in a rubber room!!

For the second time this week, I've been driven to distraction by the complete STUPIDITY of those in my office. It started with an email: "Please look at order number XXXXXXXXXX....I need for you to tell me why it's been sitting here for so long with no action taken on it...." So being the dutiful worker that I am, I look at the order....and my head blows OFF of my shoulders, through the roof, orbits Earth (twice!), and then comes back down onto my shoulders and sets itself alongside my ASS, which had migrated to my shoulders in my head's absence. It turns out that the order was from 2006....YES. ANOTHER ONE FROM BEFORE I EVEN WORKED FOR THE DAMN COMPANY!!!!! Yet here I was...expected to drop what I was doing to find out WHY nothing had been done to the damn thing. My reply to the email: "I've looked at the order and found that it's from September of 2006, which was 10 months before I came to work here. I do not have any idea why it's been sitting around for so long with no action on it, but if you will look at the notes, you'll see that even back then it wasn't to be touched by those in my function. My suggestion would be to track down whomever was in my position for this particular area during that time and ask them what the status currently is. Please advise me of your findings." I should have ended it with, "you dipshit", but I thought that might be pressing my luck.
That should have ended the attempts by my boss to annoy the shit out of me, but I guess he was feeling particularily mischevious because the NEXT email I got from him was, "Please look at the following three orders that have not been touched. I need for these to be updated ASAP. Also, please remember that these need to be updated on a regular basis, though I'd really prefer that you get them scheduled so that we can get them out of the way." So I look at THOSE orders.....here's my reply: "I looked at the orders, but clearly you did not, because if you had you'd have seen that they not only have been touched, but the same has been documented in the notes of all the orders in question. Please remember that when there is not time enough taken out to verify the information you're passing along to me, I must then take that time to verify the information myself, which takes time away from doing my actual job. I must then answer your emails, which is also taking time away from doing my actual job. These two factors are perhaps contributing to the fact that my scheduling of appointments has fallen behind in recent weeks. Please see me with any questions you may have." Of course, I SHOULD have ended it with, "NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE SO I CAN GET SOME DAMN WORK DONE, YOU BONEHEAD!!" Again, that just might have been pushing the envelope, so I refrained from going with my first instincts in answering the email...although I think that the last email FINALLY got his attention.....he sits only about 10 feet away from me and I can see him from my desk.....I see him looking at his screen, then turning his head towards me and coming up somewhat in his chair. Naturally, I did the most professional (and mature) thing I could think of at the time.....I stuck my tongue out at him.

  Now if THAT wasn't enough to make me want to drink a nice tall cold glass of arsenic, just before I was getting ready to leave for the day, he comes over to the area where I sit and is talking with Conchetta about a guy that was recently drop-kicked from the premesis (he was an idiot).. I interject into the converstaion, "yeah I was in training with that guy..he was a bonehead..." So then my boss says, "hmm...well that explains a lot..apparently there was a training issue from that group of new hires!" Yes. My boss cracked on me!! FORTUNATELY for my boss, he runs faster than I do because by the time that I hopped over the partition, he was halfway to the elevator!!! That's ok..he can run, but he can't hide! I know where he sits!!

---

Today is the roomie's actual birthday...and the poor thing had to work! Not only work, but had to work the crappy shift---2pm to 11pm!! BLECH!! You KNOW that has to suck!! At least he's already got all of his presents though!

---

So that's about it for yet another day in the life...is it Friday yet? Hmm...I feel like I'm asking that a lot lately...

Yeah, it's been another one of THOSE days:

My trip to work was eventful AND spiritual. Here's the story: I'm puttering down the highway (in the slow lane because I was doing 70 MPH) and I see over in the left lane what looks like the base of one of those heavy grade metal road signs...the kind that are used for "construction ahead" etc....the metal is sticking just far enough into the left lane to cause some serious damage should anyone hit it. So just as I'm having that thought, here comes this little Honda Prelude flying up behind me.....the next thing I hear is !!!BAM!!!! ....the car hit the metal pole which flattened the left front tire and then apparently it got hung up underneath the car and prevented the driver from steering!! That turned out to be a blessing because I'm neck and neck with this car when this happens, and I could tell the driver was trying to steer over into MY lane...which of course would have caused ME to crash! Now if that wasn't bad enough, behind that Honda Prelude was an 18 wheeler!!! The rig ALSO had the thought of going into my lane but couldn't because the Honda was coming to a screeching halt in the middle of the lane....ANOTHER lucky break for me because if the Honda would have made me crash, the rig would have crashed into BOTH of us!! Needless to say, had THAT happened, both myself and the driver of the Honda would have been goners because the average speed of folks on that stretch of highway is at least 80 MPH!! THANKFULLY, the rig was able to get stopped before the Honda couldn't go any further.....
  I'll tell ya....there was DEFINITELY a higher power looking out for me this morning...AND the driver of botht he other car and the rig because it's a miracle that this wasn't a horrible crash!!

---

Once I got to work, things went even more downhill. The guys in the field have got this new procedure where they have to log everything they do onto their handheld computer....EVERY thing. If they aren't 100% accurate on their entries, it will screw up their pay. Now the reason behind this change is because in the past, the guys could basically put in anything they wanted on their computer without having to actually PROVE that they'd worked the hours they claimed. Guys that are making $50k a  year were actually bringing in well over $65k because of bogus overtime hours claimed. Yeah, I'm serious! They were making out like bandits! You can see why things had to change. So anyway, they're calling ME left and right trying to figure out a way to bypass the system with MY help. I spent the first half of my morning trying to explain that I had absolutely NO way of circumventing the process, but that even if I *DID* have the ability to do so, I would NOT. No, they were not happy, and neither was I because they prevented me from doing my ACTUAL job by bickering with me about it. Of course that's when my boss wants to know WHY my work wasn't getting done.......                     

  I was very close to coming unglued to say the least. It got so bad at one point with the phone calls, emails, and bitching from EVERYONE that I actually started to shake!! Trust me on this...when I get THAT upset, it's NOT a good thing. If ever I wanted to just get up and walk out of this place, today was it for sure.

---

After I got home from work and almost collapsed into a catatonic state from all the crap of the day, I get a call from my aunt. She's the one with the psychotic (literally!) 13 year old son who's well on his way to becoming a serial killer one day. Well, she's in Hawaii for the next two weeks....she just got there late Sunday evening and wasn't even in the condo for an hour before her daughter, son, AND husband gang up on her about how she's "not doing enough for the child".....!!!!!! I won't bore you all with the details, but just know that this poor woman has done EVERYTHING in her power to get this kid some help....EVERYTHING. With NO help from anyone else in her family...they all just turn their heads to the problem because THEY don't want to deal with it. So naturally my aunt's vacation is now ruined...while the rest of her family is out roaming around Hawaii she's sitting in the condo being miserable. I feel SO bad for her....she's so bummed out that she'd rather sit in a condo all day rather than hanging out with her family....but who can blame her? I wouldn't want to spend a bunch of time with people who'd attacked me before my ass even got my suitcases set down on the floor!!    
  I tried my best to cheer her up a little bit, but I don't think it worked. The worst part is that she JUST got there, so she's still got the full two weeks to go! Oh..and get this...she gets a call from her sister in law this afternoon. The psycho kid is staying there for the next two weeks (long story) and apparently he wasn't happy because he got his cell phone taken away for an hour, so he tells his aunt to "go fuck herself...." Cute kid, huh?

---

So that's about it for today. Gee, don't you just SEE how excited I am that I get to wake up in the morning and do it all again tomorrow??!! [insert look of sarcasm here]

This afternoon when i got home from work, I found myself doing something I do most every day when I get home....no, I didn't contemplate hanging myself from the closest tree (although sometimes it's not a bad idea!)....I gathered up my essentials that make the trek to and from the office every day:

• hairbrush (don't ask)
• water in spray-on conditioner bottle (again--don't ask)
• keys (obviously)
• carton of smokes (ok, that's once a week)
• cell phone
  
• pack of smokes & lighter
• the day's mail (I stop at the box on the way into the driveway)

Keep in mind that should I add even one more item to the mix, I'm toast. I made that mistake recently and my cell phone almost landed in one of Sammy's contributions to the fertilization of the ground that he leaves in various places (but most often the driveway!).....

So today it dawned on me as I was struggling with all my necessities: I need a MURSE! "What's a murse?" you say? Well simply put, it's a purse for a man.

Yeah yeah...go ahead and laugh! I'm serious though....just think of it...it'd be a masculine design--like deer skin or recycled Skoal cans. Instead of it fitting over our shoulder though, it'd have to wrap around our necks because otherwise we'd never remember the damn thing! It could even have designs on it...such as the image of a gun....or a truck....AND it would be roomy with lots of little secret compartments...handy for hiding our extra money from the wife/girlfriend or the receipt from the local strip club that we weren't supposed to be at last weekend! The possibilities are endless!

Still laughing huh? Well, consider THIS benefit: Imagine all those little men out there who jump at the sight of their own shadow. You know the guys I'm talking about...the ones that the big bullies have picked on since elementary school and that got their ass beaten on a regular basis...both during school and into adulthood!! These little wimpy dudes could have a fighting chance now...all they'd have to do when confronted by Brutus the Bully is whomp the jerk over the head with his murse!!! And then run like hell. Of course there's always the chance that Brutus would carry a much larger and heavier murse....with a brick inside of it, therefore knocking the poor wimpy dude silly! I'll have to ponder that angle for a bit I suppose.

---

---

That's about it for now! Is it Friday yet?

If my boss ever wonders why I have such a hard time coming into the office on Monday mornings, he need only spend a weekend with me. Of course if that ever happened he'd probably feel so sorry for me that he'd give me EVERY Monday off!                                                         
  Unfortunately, that isn't likely to happen so I'll just have to keep trucking along until my weekends result in my untimely demise due to exhaustion!

Today started out WAY earlier than I wanted it to. Sammy the Ferocious Guard Poodle woke me up at around 8am by sticking his wet nose in my face. Apparently Chris hadn't let him out to do his business before leaving for work so it was either let the pooch outside or end up with a little surprse somewhere in the house later! Of course once I got up to let the dog out, it was useless to try and go back to sleep.

Then Chris decides to come home early from work around 11am. That continued the downward spiral of my day! He came in the door and announced that he'd gotten practically a whole pallet of various bags of landscaping materials (pea gravel, play sand, rubber mulch, etc.) and some flowers from work for $25. He came across the deal because the bags were broken....but hey, a deal's a deal in my book!! So we started by planting the flowers in the huge planters Chris got from his parents for his birthday. Then we did a sort of entry way to the steps up the porch with the pea gravel and some paver stones. All of this was of course during the heat of the day: NOON!!           



I didn't complain too much though because I knew it had to be done....what's the use of having this great porch added to the house if the entry to it looks like crap, ya know? So we finished with that [finally!] and then came in for a bit. Now had it been up to ME at this point, I'd have been content to spend the rest of the day inside the nice air-conditioned house because it was 94 degrees outside today WITH our famous Southern humidity to boot!! Chris wasn't having any of that though, and he pulled a dirty trick to get me back outside: he came up with the idea to put his new grill together! He knew that would get my lazy ass back out into the Mars-like temperatures because I've been craving a burger cooked on a grill for weeks now!

  So outside we went AGAIN, and a mere two hours later, the grill was FINALLY assembled! It was in at least 100 pieces...but at least it came with its own screwdriver! After the thing was put together though, I had to go and buy a propane tank.....FORTY-TWO DOLLARS!! Damn! It had to be bought though and I couldn't expect Chris to buy it...that would be outright cheesy! I don't know if it was the fact that I had been wanting a grilled burger for a while or that it's just a good grill, but the food was excellent! Cindy came over for the inagural (sp?) meal and gave rave reviews too.....

---

Today's dread about going outside and working in the hot sun combined with my disdain for having to go into town for the propane made me realize something: I'm just lazy as hell!!                                                               

  Maybe I'm just getting old? Who knows. At any rate, I got to thinking about some of the bad "lazy" habits I've picked up over the years:

• When I throw a load of clothes in the washer, I *NEVER* remember to put them into the dryer when they're done washing! This is because even though I actually hear the washer when it's done, I just tell myself that I'll "do it later"......and inevitibly Chris will end up putting them into the dryer!
• The same holds true when the clothes come OUT of the dryer.....I'll throw them onto a chair or the couch in the den and then just leave them there until I get the gumption to fold them....even worse, after I'm done doing the folding, I take the stack of clothes to my room and throw them on the bed rather than putting them away in the dresser!
  
• Though it doesn't happen on a DAILY basis, I've also gotten into the habit of letting dirty dishes stack up somewhat in the sink before I finally decide to rinse them off and put them into the dishwasher. Surprisingly enough, that's one of my pet peeves about folks with a dishwasher---I hate seeing a sink full of dirty dishes with a dishwasher just inches away from the sink! Talk about a hypocrite!!
  
• FURBALLS: GadZOOKS I'm SO bad about this one!! Miss Bigglesworth will leave one of her disgusting surprises in various parts of the house [ALWAYS in the carpeted areas of course] and I'll avoid cleaning it up as long as I can because I just HATE the ritual of picking the nasty thing up, dragging out the spot removing spray, hauling out the Green Machine, and then cleaning the carpet where the kitty has once again left her calling card! And THEN the Green Machine has to be emptied out and put back into the closet. Good grief.
  

I wonder....is there a pill out there somewhere that can prevent me from being such a bump on a log?? Or am I just a freakin' BUM for whom there is NO hope of a cure?!                                                                  
  *sigh I guess it's like that old Tootsie Pop commercial that ran during the 1970s....this owl is asked how many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop....the owl then starts licking the lollipop and then the announcer comes on and says, "the world may NEVER know......." Such is the story of any explanation of my slackerness!!

---

That's it for tonight! Hope everyone has a good week coming up!