This week has been a pretty cool one at work....it's our "Employee Appreciation Week" and we've been getting a lot of cool shit...everything from cotton candy to pizza! Today's little treat was a 15 minute massage by a professional massage therapist!! Admittedly, I was quite excited about the freebie because Lord knows I could use all the relaxation I can get these days!!

So I go in to get my massage and am greeted by the lady giving the massages. She first asked me if I'd ever had massage therapy before and I told her no, but that I knew it was well worth the money that people shell out for it from what I've heard! I hop into the massage chair thingy and she starts with my neck....telling me to concentrate on my 2 dimensional breathing. Ok, whatever. Then she starts going down my back and then up again to my shoulders. At this point, I wasn't too terribly impressed because I can give a better massage than that! What the hell, though...it was free! I just kind of sat there and let her do her thing. I'd have to say that the only thing I didn't like about the experience is that she got a little too low on the lower back part! That and the bohemian shit she was spewing out...things like, "find your inner focus and concentrate on that...."

Speaking of work....it looks like I'm going to have to smack some people around up at the corporate office! The day after I was made a regular employee, I had to go and get an ID badge made. This badge has a chip on it that lets me access different stuff on my computer...things like the authorization for direct deposit. So I waited and waited....no card. Everyone else got theirs damnit! Then I called into the help desk...they were NO help at all, so I emailed the security office at corporate and ask them where my badge is...the response was "there is a question about the name and we can't release it until we determine if this is really you. So I ask this knucklehead what the question is and he tells me that it's got my middle name on it. I tell him that's how it's supposed to be because I don't use my FIRST name either personally OR professionally. He didn't understand that concept and told me that they'd have to check my files and they'd get back to me. Damnit! This experience just reinforces my theory that the higher you are on the corporate ladder the dumber you are!!

Well, I guess that's about all for now! Tomorrow is FRIDAY!! YAY!!

For some reason, the company I work for just LOVES giving out little trinkets on a regular basis! Not that I'm complaining mind you...the little trinkets are surprisingly cool! Why just today I came in and found a small clock on my desk! Nothing fancy, but useful...I can use it in my truck seeing that apparently back in 1987 it wasn't common practice to include a clock on the radio!

Another little freebie we got today was popcorn and cotton candy! Did you know that when you make cotton candy that the stuff becomes airborne? Now just take a WILD guess HOW I fount out that little factoid! Of course, it does help knowing that I wasn't the only victim today...a couple of colleagues were in the wrong place at the wrong time like me.

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My sister's birthday party may not be as much of a disaster as I'd originally thought. Several more people have sent the RSVP that they'll be there...AND a friend of my sister in law's is going to make the cake for us!! YAY!!! All together now: BIG SIGH OF RELIEF!!

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Oh if anyone out there is considering buying hoodia for weight loss..don't waste your time. My roomie bought some the other night and swears by it. Supposedly it curbs your appetite really well...so I took one out of curiosity and I ate just as much today as I have any other day. Granted, the gastric bypass surgery I had a few years ago may have something to do with that..who knows?

That's about all for now! Have a good week ahead!

I found myself wondering a little while ago what the penalty is for double murder in North Carolina....when I did a search for it on the internet, I found that one can actually get the death penalty if it's premeditated. DRATS!!

Why would I want to commit double murder, you ask? Well, it all started about 2 months ago...my sister in law and I were going to plan a surprise party for my sister's 40th birthday. We had made some initial decisions, but then found out that my sister's husband was planning a party himself. No big deal...sis in law and I just scrapped our plans. Well, I never got an invitation in the mail for this party, but I wasn't too concerned about that...my brother in law isn't exactly Martha Stewart on the whole party planning thing.

This evening, I get a call from a rather frantic friend of my sister's. She asked me if I had ordered the cake for the party. I told her that I hadn't because I had not been asked to take care of the cake. I could hear her children shrieking in the background as she fainted and hit the floor with a THUD!!

Once poor Stephanie (the sis's friend) came to her senses, she explained that my brother in law had told her that I was taking care of the cake...apparently he had neglected to let ME in on that little piece of information!! It was then that Stephanie told me that my brother in law had decided on the following menu:
**Chicken
**Potato salad
**a loaf of bread
**1/2 a keg of beer

I learned that 30 plus people will be at this party...and there's only enough food ordered to feed about 15 at most. HOPEFULLY the beer will serve as a way to make everyone forget that there is no food. LUCKILY I found out that I can order a cake from the local grocery store and have it ready in time for the party!!!

So now you know why I want to kill my brother in law. The SECOND victim of my wrath is my brother. He saw my brother in law this past weekend and they discussed the fact that I hadn't been told about the cake as of yet. My brother, being the dipshit that he can be, NEGLECTED to tell ME or his wife that this conversation had taken place!!! So..I could have known this TWO days ago and had more ample time to do damage control!! So.....if I can't murder the two of those boneheads, I'm going to at least bitch slap them both!! You can bet I'll be writing a nice LONG blog entry after the party is over!!!

>>>>>Other stuff:

>>Neighbor Kevin is still holding on. I don't know if I'd mentioned in a previous post, but he'd just been told a couple of weeks ago that he was doing remarkably well and that being around until Christmas wasn't out of the question. Now, he's confined to a hospital bed that's set up in his living room. There wasn't enough space in any of the bedrooms to put the bed in, so they had to do the living room. At any rate, he's fading pretty fast. His legs have swollen up to twice their normal size, which according to the doctor is a sign that he's about ready to go... His spirits go up and down, almost on an hourly basis....at times he's his usual self, but then there are times that he's becoming a real bear. It's natural though...my mom was the same way when she was about to die.

>>Work is going along pretty well...I have realized I've got a huge mancrush on my supervisor! Ok, I'm exaggerating, but he is THE coolest dude I've ever worked for. The new position that I've started is VERY detailed and tedious at times and he realizes that, so he let me continue not answering phone calls until I've been doing the job for a few more weeks!! Pretty cool, huh?? We also gained two more new hires today, so I'm OFFICIALLY no longer the "rookie" of the group!!

>>As I was flipping through the channels on tv earlier, it dawned on me that I'm really not liking most shows out there these days. I miss the good stuff...like The Facts of Life, The Dukes of Hazzard, and Dallas!! Thank God for satellite tv or I'd be bored to tears watching tv now!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>Well, that's about all for tonight!

I learned a long time ago that life has its own system of checks and balances. When something goes good for you, something will also go wrong, and vice versa. It’s just the way that things are. At least for me, anyway. Such was the case this evening.

I made a rather horrifying discovery while in a most precarious situation: no toilet paper. Not a scrap to be found in EITHER of the bathrooms!! Luckily, the roomie was able to borrow some from the neighbor across the street….that and a cup of sugar. After that crisis was over, I made another startling discovery: no SOAP in either of the bathrooms!! I shrieked in horror as I realized what I had to do….make a trip to Wal-mart!! (Insert scary music here)

Going to Wal-mart is sort of like going to the dentist when you have a cavity: you REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to go, but if you don’t, then eventually that cavity is going to have you doubled over in pain. Such would be the case should I not replenish the supply of toilet paper. The soap I could go a day without, although I don’t relish the thought of my ass stinking, even if for just one day.

Picture this: a shadowy figure lurks in the background. He’s listening to the receiver end of a bug that he’s planed in some poor unsuspecting fool’s home (mine) waiting for the right keywords to spring into action. After many long hours, his patience is rewarded as he hears me say that I’m headed to town for the needed supplies. The shadowy figure then begins dialing rapidly: there’s not a moment to spare! After a few minutes, he’s succeeded in his mission.

Meanwhile, I’m pulling into the parking lot, completely unaware of the horrible fate that awaits me. I grab a shopping cart and head for the soap, then over to grocery for the toilet paper. Along the way, I pick up a few food items and some Diet Mt Dew for the roomie. Not wanting to spend a lot of time in there and end up spending money I don’t have, I head for the front checkouts. I’m not pleased with what I see….a line of people stretching halfway down the aisle!! Of course, as is typical with Wal-mart, there are only three registers out of 40 that are open. I decide to head for the electronics department to check out there. As I round the corner, I see a line THERE as well!! Starting to panic, I race towards the garden center….I knew it was my last hope!! As I’m running along, I apologize to the old ladies that get mowed down and scold the parents of the bratty kids that I’ve knocked unconscious with my cart. My heart sinks as I turn into the garden area: there’s a line in there as well!!

I start looking around frantically. Exactly what I was looking FOR, I have no idea. I just figured that if I looked around frantically, I’d somehow change the situation and find a register with less than 30 people standing in line! No luck though. I held my head down in despair. At one point I thought I was going to weep. After another couple of rounds in the store in desperate search for an open cash register, I finally accepted that there was only one thing left to do. So I left my cart of items in the middle of an aisle and walked out, vowing that the corporate offices would hear about THIS!!

As I hopped into Christine the Truck and headed towards the grocery store, something occurred to me: it seemed that all of the people who were at the front check outs looked an awful lot like the people at the electronics department register…..AND the garden area register!! Could it be??!! The shadowy figure had gotten on the phone and alerted everyone in town to head over to Wal-mart post haste so that they could make my life miserable!! Curses!! I had fallen right into the evil clutches of the shadowy figure!! Damn you nefarious figure!! Damn you!!!

Remember what I said about the checks and balances thing? Well, LUCKILY it seems that tonight was the night to be amply rewarded for all of my aggravation. As I cruised around the grocery store, still steaming about the Wal-mart incident, I saw a strange glowing light coming from a couple of aisles over. It was the most brilliant light I’d ever seen. Naturally I thought it was the proverbial white light that one goes into when one dies, but I figured I’d check it out anyway. So I hop on over to the other aisle and see where the light is illuminating from……

And then I heard them: the angels. They were singing the most beautiful melody. One of them instructed me to look down. There it was: salvation!! Philadelphia cream cheese has done something I’ve only dreamed about in the past…..they have started selling PRE MADE cheese cake filling!!!! As I read the package, I felt a distinct stirring in my shorts….it seems that all you do is scoop this stuff out and plop it into a graham cracker crust….no setting, no mixing, no cooking….it’s ready to eat!!!!

I could barely contain my excitement as I frolicked towards the front registers. Yes, I got some funny looks along the way, but I didn’t care. I had a tub of PRE MADE cheese cake filling!! Nothing could get me down now!! As the cashier rang up my things, I cautioned her to be most careful with my cheese cake filling. I didn’t want it to get bruised or anything. The cashier remarked that maybe I needed a moment alone with my filling.

Yes, all is well in my world now.

A friend of mine happened to read last night's entry on here...he was dying laughing about what has been going on at work and told me that I'm just doomed to attract that kind of person! Now, he's known me for a zillion years, so of course he just HAD to remind me of some of the other fruitcakes I've known over the years:

>>Rebecca: Six foot two, buck teeth, and stringy hair. Fresh off the set of "Deliverance"....she latched onto me when I was a sophomore in high school...and had it not been for the fact that she got married and pregnant, I'd probably STILL be trying to avoid her today. Oh, and did I mention that she was glad that her second pregnancy was by her husband and not her FATHER????!!!!!!

>>Amanda: 9th grade was a good year..sort of. I met the girl who'd become my first true love. And her psycho best friend. Amanda was harmless enough, until I found out she had pictures of me plastered all over her dresser mirror, a pillow with her & my name embroidered on it, and various articles of clothing that she'd swiped from my gym bag at school!

>>Carol: She was into the whole ROTC thing at school and wore combat boots...earning her the nickname Rambo. When she couldn't get my best friend Mark to go out with her, she thought that cornering me in the men's room at school and threatening to stab Mark would get ME to go out with her!!

>>Steve: When I worked at the airline, I learned two things: 1) 98% of the guys who work at this particular airline are gay; and 2) 100% of that 98% of gay guys think that they can convince the other 2% to sleep with them anyway, even if it means following him to his car, and whipping IT out right there in the parking lot. And...NO, it didn't work.

>>Rob: Technically, he was a friend of my brother's, but he still managed to spread his insanity towards me. He tried to convince me that by believing in God, I was actually damning myself to hell because Satan was really the only entity that ruled the universe. This is also the same guy who claims to have had a beer with the ghost of a neighbor of mine who'd died in a car crash. For the record, it took two years for me to reverse the brainwashing this freak did to my younger brother!!!

Hmmm.....
After reading this, I'm thinking maybe I should just board up the windows and doors in my house and spend the next 20 years playing Monopoly with myself and collecting bits of string and shiny buttons!



That's it for now! Hope everyone has a good weekend!!