If stupidity were to be classified as a disease, a good number of my colleagues and customers would be drawing a disability check each month!!

Behold---my story:

Incident #1) When any of our field guys have a software or hardware change coming up, they can go to a site on the internet that will explain step by step how to do the change. The instructions HAVE to be very specific because of the fact that my company is regulated by the FDA. Well I get an email from one of the guys asking me 50 questions about this particular change he had coming up. He asked everything from the part number to how to ship another part of the change to a different location. For me to answer all of his questions would have meant taking a big chunk of my time to read the 30 page document. So I wrote him back and explained to him that he needed to check the internet for those answers. He responds, "Yeah I know about the internet site, but I just didn't feel like looking it up."

---

Incident #2) A little later this afternoon, I had to call an outside company to do a maintenance call for a customer. The guy who answers asks my name so I tell him. He comes back and says "we have a BYRON listed here...is that you?" I tell him, "the name is not BYRON...." What does HE say?? "Well MY records say BYRON." You can guess my response: "Look, I don't care if your records say that my name is Humpty Dumpty! I'm 38 years old and I've had my name all my life--I think by now I'm pretty well versed enough with it to know how to prounounce and spell it!"

---

Aside from those little aggravations, the day wasn't complete chaos thank God! I came home to a 75% surprise---the ceiling on my new porch is 75% done!! Why only 75% done? I'm glad you asked! It seems that the contractor ignored the fact that we were forecast to have severe thunderstorms and 50MPH winds. Yeah, Mr. Contractor apparently is another passenger on that short bus to work everyday!


That's all I've got for now!

I'll give everyone three guesses as to why my appearances on Blogstream have been all but non-existent for the last several days:

1) I was abducted by aliens from the planet Zoblork and forced to marry their Queen who was a blue skinned lady with three eyes, four breasts, and a butt the size of a Volkswagen;

2) I was walking along minding my own business when all of a sudden I fell into a hole, hit my head on a rock, and assumed the identity of a bunny rabbit named Claude;

3) My *FAVORITE* telephone company Embarq chose to further delay the "permanent" fix of my ongoing internet problems 

In case the choices are a bit difficult, here's a few hints....it's not likely that I would leave any woman who had four boobs...even if she does have a huge ass and blue skin!!

Now that I have new glasses, the chances of my falling into a hole are a lot less likely....although given enough alcohol I'm sure that I could mistake myself for a bunny rabbit!

SOOOOOOO......
That leaves the last choice----Yep! Once again, I had the pleasure of going another few rounds with Embarq (Formerly Sprint, who sucked just as bad!) about the ongoing problems with my internet. THIS time, the rep I spoke to consulted with a "engineer" who speculated that it was my computers that were the cause of the problem.

Y'all...I came UNGLUED when that poor girl came back on the line and told me what the "engineer" had said!! To be fair, I did give her fair warning that I was about to explode and that I was not going to attack her personally---it was a warning that she heeded because she held her headset away from her ear while I was having my say. By the time that I was finished, I had two supervisors AND the snotty engineer on the line in a conference call. The engineer tried his best to stick to the implication that it was my computer(s) that were the problem and that would be why I was the ONLY one in my area having this problem--until I asked the question "if it's my computers that are not working properly, why then would they work fine during certain times of the day and then not at all during other times?"

He of course could not answer that question.

So bright and early this morning, I get up and the phone AND internet are disconnected for about 5 minutes....and then...VOILA! Magically, my computers AND the internet are working just fine.

---

Now, if all of THAT wasn't fun enough reading, check THIS out:

I'm doing away with the phone company internet...I'd placed an order for the cable company to install internet service. So a tech comes out, runs the line and hooks everything up. Unfortunately since there had not been anyone in the area with cable for several years, some equipment at the pole had to be replaced. Not a big deal. "Someone will be out in 24 hours to work on it." Well, no one showed...still not a big deal...I called the cable company and explained what happened and was told that they'd send someone out within 3 days.

No one showed.

So last night I call the cable company AGAIN--
Does anyone remember Gomer Pyle? Well, after he got out of the Marines, he went to work for the cable company. This is the conversation:

"I'm calling to find out the status of my account." (I then fill in the story of what happened.

GOMER: "Are you ordering cable tv service with internet or just cable tv service?"

ME: "Just internet service. No cable tv service."

GOMER: "Ok, what package would you like? You get three free months of HBO when you sign up for internet service."

ME: "I don't want the tv service...JUST the internet."

GOMER: "Ok sir we'll need to send someone out to install the line and get you hooked up."

ME: "I've already had someone come out and do all of that. He installed the lines, but couldn't get a signal, so I just need to have someone out to replace whatever equipment needs to be replaced and then activate the service."

GOMER: "Sir, you are not understanding me. Someone has to come out, run the line from the pole to your house, run the line INTO your house and then hook up your modem. After he's done that, we can activate the service."

ME: "Ok listen to me CAREFULLY: SOMEONE HAS ALREADY COME OUT, RAN THE LINE FROM THE POLE TO MY HOUSE, DRILLED A HOLE IN MY FLOOR, HOOKED THE LINE TO MY MODEM, AND TRIED TO GET THE SERVICE ACTIVATED. HE COULD NOT GET A SIGNAL. HE TOLD ME THAT THE POLE NEEDED A NEW CONNECTION. SO I NEED TO HAVE SOMEONE COME OUT AND PUT UP THE NEW CONNECTION ON THE POLE AND THEN ACTIVATE MY SERVICE."

GOMER: "So are you saying that someone has already been out there and ran the line?"

ME: "YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM SAYING, ALTHOUGH CLEARLY WHAT I AM ASSUMING IS ENGLISH ISN'T BEING TRANSLATED INTO MORONESE."

GOMER: "Oh I'm sorry sir...(his voice gets louder) should I transfer you to the foreign language desk? I only speak English."

 

Have you all ever felt like somewhere during the course of the day you fell asleep and woke up to find yourself in some alternate plane of existence where everyone is an idiot?

---

Ok since this entry has been quite long, I'll spare you all the pain of reading anymore of my rants for this eveing.....

BUT BEFORE I GO, here's some teasers about our next episode of "As the Keyboard Clicks":

---> YIKES!! There's been a horrific murder in Okie Dokie, Ohio!! Who's been bumped off? Who did it??!! With a little help from Okie Dokie's resident private dick LORNA FELDENSKREWG (as portrayed by BELLA) we're sure to have an answer SOON!!

---> There's a new girl in town...and it's NOT Linda Lavin from "Alice"!! LOUVELLA DICKENSTORK (played by MISS LOU) will be stirring up some trouble in our fair virtual town!

---> The townsfolk can barely believe the chaos that SHELLEY HAMINCHEESE (with portrayal by CHRISTINE) caused with one simple phrase!

---> The local mayhem has distracted the residents of Okie Dokie lately, so it comes as a surprise when WANDA LEE BELFENDORKER (played by STARGAZEGURL) provides each of the town's residents with a gift.

---

That's all for now!

My day hasn't gone too well----
First I wake up feeling like total crap, necessitating staying home from work. Yuck! It's never fun when you spend the first part of the day feeling as though you've been run over by a truck!

I started feeling better a little later in the afternoon, so I ventured out to get some errands done that I should have done last week-->

The first stop was getting Christine the Truck inspected. It was WAYYYYY past due--as in it SHOULD have been done at the end of September 2007!! Here in North Carolina there's a rule that if you let your inspection lapse for a certain amount of time you can be fined somewhere in the neighborhood of $250!! My inspection experience made me very greatful that I live where I do---AND that I drive a 20 year old vehicle. Normally there has to be a full emissions test, but that rule only applies to model years 1994 & up so I didn't have to worry about paying THAT fee!! As for living where I do, we've still got a handful of places that will just slap another sticker on your windshield without even looking at it!! Total cost: $9.30

WHEW!!

Next stop was Rose's....for those of you not familiar with that, it's a 5 & 10 left over from the 1960s...they carry crappy stuff, but now and then you can find a good deal. Anyway, I got what I needed and went to the check out. The cashier rang up my items and then I gave her my debit card....she asks for ID (normal procedure) so I hand her my driver's license. The ID I gave her was actually one from 1999 when I was pretty heavy--so the lady looks at it and says, "I don't think this is you....." I reassure her that it IS me, only 100lbs heavier and blonde hair! She accepts that and gives me the receipt to sign. I sign it and then she looks at the signature and says, "hmmm....I can't quite make out your last name on here....." That was when I'd had enough. I informed her that if she wanted to compare the signatures, she could look at my license again. Damn! I hate retarded people like that!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm glad everyone is liking the little soap opera I've written! Those of you who haven't been included as characters yet can rest easy---you'll be coming into the story soon enough!! heh heh

Well, time for bed...hope everyone has a great Friday

Now that we've met the characters (at least most of them!), let's begin our story:

.......As Biff arrives in Okie-Dokie, he runs into Josie Lou...literally! It seems that she's walking very briskly down the street in an attempt to get away from Pauline, who is accusing Josie Lou of cutting a hole in the front of all the bras displayed in the women's department at Racy's Department Store. Biff tries to comfort Josie during their brief meeting, but the sight of Pauline coming around the corner hastens Josie's exit.

.......Meanwhile, over on the other side of town, a mysterious figure watches Glendina from the shadows as she frets over whether or not Sir Purrs-a-lot's litter box smells fresh enough. As Glendina approaches the window where the figure is watching from, she senses that she's being spied on and goes outside to investigate. She finds nothing.....except for a mysterious paw print in the mud behind the bushes!

.......At that same moment there is an argument raging over on Halop Street. It's Sissy Sue on the phone with her sister Prissy Lee. It seems that Sissy and Prissy can't come to terms with the fact that they are involved in a rather complicated love triangle with the town's newest resident Adam Poppledogger (portrayed by AZRON)!! Just as Sissy is about to slam the phone down, she spies Adam walking down the street with another woman! She tells Prissy to come right over. Minutes later, Sissy and Prissy confront Adam and demand an explanation. Adam looks at them with bewilderment--it seems that Sissy and Prissy had misinterpreted the "affair"....you see, here in Okie-Dokie Ohio, presenting one with a cordial "hello" when meeting on the street is an implication of romantic intentions! Adam, wanting to do right by the town's customs, immediately runs home and packs his bags. The last we see of him is while he boards the Greyhound bus while muttering, "these people are just NUTS!"

.......As the bus passes out of view, a rather tired looking Pamela Pierpoint-Havenskipper is struggling with a large picnic basket. She's just returned from another attempt at meeting with the vice president of the cruise line. As she's approached by Emily, a nervous tick comes over Pamela. Would Emily figure out what had happened earlier that morning?? Would she keep quiet about it??

......Just then, Jane comes bursting out of the town's local costume shop, Hollywood Hijinks, with a very bizarre costume on: an afro wig, hot pink stretch pants, and seven inch high heel shoes with goldfish in the heels. It appears that Jane has overdosed on her medication again, but will the men in white coats arrive in time to save Simone??!! Ever since Simone informed Jane that it's no longer the year 1979, Jane has had to accept the fact that she'll never meet her teen heart-throb Willie Aames of Eight Is Enough and has vowed to even the score!

.......As our first episode closes, we're next witness to a beautiful wedding ceremony between Brick and his one true love---a mannequin he's named Dolly. Just as the minister is about to pronounce them husband and wife, Dolly WINKS!!

---

----> WILL Biff stay in town? WILL Pauline catch up with Josie Lou??

----> WHO is the mysterious stranger watching Glendina? Could it be her presumed dead kitty? Or is it--the IRS attempting to collect taxes on the clumping kitty litter Glendina has been mixing illegally in her basement??!!

-----> Will Sissy and Prissy forgive each other? Will Adam return to town when he realizes he left his year's supply of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups behind??

----> Will Pamela's horrific deed be exposed by Emily?? Will Emily EVER figure out how to operate her new Sears vacuum cleaner in time for the masquerade party next week??

-----> Will Jane exact her revenge on Simone, or will Willie Aames come to her rescue??

-----> IS Dolly a real woman or just the result of mass hysteria??

These questions and more will be answered in our next episode of.......

Since the recent Hollywood writer's strike reduced most of the 2007-08 season to 90% reruns, I decided that I would just write my OWN show to amuse myself! It's called: